This book is what spurned my most recent PSA. As I was browsing Spotify, I saw a section in the “genres” category for audiobooks. Having already spent my audible credit this month, I’m low on books to listen to, so I thought I could look around and see if there’s anything on Spotify. I was honestly blown away.
Many moons ago when I looked for audiobooks on Spotify, I only found public domain novels that were uploaded in chunks of a few hours or so. I thought this was neat, but they were mostly books I’d already read, so I gave up looking and never thought about it again.
Now, with a Spotify premium membership (which I was already paying for), you have access to a plethora of audiobooks, some as recent as books that were released in the past year or two. That’s amazing! I’m really excited about this discovery, so I jumped right in. One of the first books I saw on this list was I’m Glad My Mom Died.
I immediately downloaded it and began listening. Janette McCurdy narrates the book herself, which I always think is really neat when it’s a person telling their own story. This book is a sort of memoir that looks over her childhood with a strong focus on her relationship with her mother and how that played a large role in her acting career.
As many of you probably remember, there was a little bit of controversy when this book first came out. The title rubbed a lot of people the wrong way, though many others defended it. There are many different schools of thought surrounding the idea of “family” and your obligation to them, and those seemed to all clash over this title.
I found the controversy around this book humorous, honestly. It’s a punchy title, and it’s meant to grab your attention, which it did spectacularly. The uproar seemed to be from people who think you should never say something like this about your family, especially your parents. I am of the mind that no one owes kindness to a family member who has been unkind to them. It’s really that simple.
Those who have read the book will understand that the title isn’t as blase as it sounds. Jeanette recounts many different and complex emotions as she illustrates how her feelings towards her mother changed as she grew. She also discusses the emotional abuse and violations she faced at the hands of her mother, and that alone I think is enough to entitle her to discuss her mother however she wishes.
The book starts when Jeanette is a child and recounts a lot of stories and interactions that take place specifically between her and her mother. She describes her mother having a volatile personality, often kicking their father out of the house. She also describes her mother as an extremely manipulative woman, and Jeanette focuses on how her mother wielded this emotional dexterity to create a sense of desperation in Jeanette. There was a constant battle between Jeanette’s want for autonomy and giving up that autonomy to please her mother, which she was so desperate to do.
I think one of the strongpoints of Jeanette’s storytelling is that she really puts herself back into her childhood mindset. She doesn’t analyze these stories from her perspective now, as an adult, where she has a lot more insight into the situation. Instead, she often details how much she loved her mother, how she took her mother’s side in every argument because she wanted to support her, and how utterly swept up in her own mother’s ego she was. As a child, she didn’t understand a lot of what was happening; she just knew she wanted her mother’s love. This is the uncomfortable yet poignant version we, the reader, get.
This is something many abuse victims face, especially those for whom the abuse begins at an early age. It’s difficult to question one’s parents, and a lot of the time you aren’t aware as a child that there’s anything you’re supposed to be questioning.
For example, when Jeanette’s is recounting the story of her mother teaching her calorie restriction, she describes her young self as thinking of this as a sort of game. If she ate under the calorie limit, she won, and the prize was her mother’s happiness. The less calories she ate the bigger the prize.
This is a really effective way to convey how a child understands these situations. She was too young to understand that this is a bad thing and can lead to health issues. Even when a doctor is discussing the issue with her mother, she is too young to question why her mother is lying to the doctor about the situation. She only knows that her mother is probably right, and there must be a good reason for lying because her mother wouldn’t lie without a good reason. The whole situation confuses her, but she doesn’t believe her mom has anything but her best interest at heart.
It isn’t until later that Jeanette starts to understand that her mom crying or victimizing herself to make Jeanette agree with her is emotional manipulation. As a child, she just wants her mom to be happy. If her mom starts crying, she’ll do whatever she has to for the tears to stop.
In a later anecdote, when she says she wants to quit acting, her mother loses it, questioning why Jeanette would want that. She cries until Jeanette takes it back, saying she’s unsure why she ever brought the issue up in the first place. She loves acting. She’ll never quit.
I think this approach to the storytelling makes the book all the more insightful to how abuse affects young children. We really see what was going through her mind, as a child, at the time of the abuse. A reader who has never faced these types of situations learns how a child can still form an extremely strong bond with an abusive parent. We see the type of reliance that’s created when an abuser has had the opportunity to harm a child’s self-esteem from a young age.
Later, we can also see her start to realize that her mother may not have her best interest at heart. We can see her hurt and confusion grow as she begins to realize that other children and teenagers have grown up vastly different to her. Then, we see the unhealthy coping mechanisms she turns to as these issues surround and overwhelm her.
What results from this book is a very enlightening view of how severe emotional abuse can affect us, and then how difficult and long-lasting the after-effects of this abuse can be.
I also appreciated that this book is on the short side. Not because I wanted less material, but because it shows that Jeanette wasn’t overly gratuitous in her writing. She had a very narrow focus of the parts of her life she wanted to talk about and share with the world, and I think that created a very efficient yet deeply-affecting book.
Overall, I really enjoyed this book. It is not a light read, so I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone looking for a nice beach read. However, if you’re interested in a character study of childhood emotional abuse, this is your book. There is a lot of discussion surrounding eating disorders, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse, so keep that in mind if those are things you struggle to read about.
The Lit Wiz